Reflecting upon my history as a learner, I can recall many interesting experiences that have molded me into the person that I am today. The first goes back to kindergarten right around report card time. It was my first report card and I was very excited because I thought that I had done wonderfully on all subjects (I had previously learned most of the subject matter from my parents or at preschool). At this time, the grading system was not A,B, C, D, F. It was E for Excellent, G for Good, S for Satisfactory, U for Unsatisfactory and I for Incomplete. I had received all E’s on this report card with the exception of one S. I don’t actually remember doing this, but I simply whited out the S, and with a completely different colored pen, replaced it with an E in my best kindergarten handwriting. Needless to say, my alteration looked vastly different from my teacher’s next to perfect handwriting, and my parents were livid when I presented them with what I believed was a flawless report card. They could not understand why I thought I had to bring home “perfect” grades because they had made it clear this was not one of their expectations of me. They made me white out the other grade, change it, and then go into my teacher and explain what I had done. Although I am extremely embarrassed that I did this, it was from this experience I learned that dishonesty and success can never go hand in hand. This is also an example of how, even at such an early age, I thought my grades had to perfect (I still have the white out laden report card at home to prove it.!).

This drive for perfection continued to impede my learning from that day forward. Throughout grade school and high school, I always studied a great deal, paid attention in class, did my homework, and turned in work that I was usually very proud of. I liked learning and applying what I had learned to different situations. I loved thinking about alternate solutions to math problems or thinking about the little “Critical Thinking” boxes found in most of my old textbooks. Basically, what it came down to was that I was a good student who always thought I could be doing much better. While my personal best was always good enough for my parents and my teachers, it was never good enough for me. I would become very upset and disappointed in myself if I received a poor grade on a test or assignment. I would spend hours fretting over homework that should have only taken half that time. When I got frustrated, I would cry and get mad, then my mind would completely shut down to what I was trying to focus on and learn. While I loved the learning (the material, the process, the application), I hated the grades associated with it. I even remember the day when I was told that I was the salutatorian of my class. While most people would be elated, I was a little disappointed. I wanted to be the best, not second best. I know it sounds stupid, but that was how I felt at the time. So, my ultimate downfall was that I was seeking to attain the unattainable…perfection.

I feel that being a college student has helped me to combat this problem immensely. I have realized that while grades are important, they depict very little about one’s true understanding. I just grew up and found that striving to be perfect was completely useless and demoralizing. Now, I do my best…that’s all I can do. I am not nearly as competitive with my peers as I use to be and that’s a great feeling. Although, I still stress about school and my grades, at least now, I am more concerned with my personal understanding of something instead of how well a teacher “thinks” I understand it through a test, assignment, etc. Instead of becoming upset over trying to learn a confusing/difficult concept, I just take a break and let my mind rest. I ask someone for help, get on the Internet, or look through old books to find the answer. Taking college courses has given me the opportunity to explore concepts and take on projects in my own unique way. Of course, there is always some direction as to how an assignment should be completed, but I feel that I’ve really been able to take learning into my own hands and make it my own. Through this, I’ve discovered so much about myself as a learner…what styles work best for me, where and when I work most efficiently, as well as, what factors motivate me to learn. Thus, learning and learning about how I learn has now become an exhilarating and exciting process for me instead of merely a stressful one.